ENDLESSLY

Bb,

I never look forward to this day but it happens quite occasionally. How am I supposed to get it over with? It'll be here till the rest of my life. Honestly bb, I truly miss you and I really wish to see you. I can't do it bb. I can't deal without you. I wish I wasn't as clingy bb. And I must admit, missing you isn't at all my favorite thing to do. I'll start thinking how far apart we are and how hard it is to see you. I don't know how to tell myself to be strong. I don't know anymore. I've tried to sleep it through, but the feelings seem to come back and haunt me again. I don't know what else to do. The fact that I can't even talk to you till work ends is just ishh I don't know how to describe. Kenapalah phone awak nak kena rosak bb? I hate this! I wish it's just temporary cuz I don't know how long I can last before I die missing you. Oh joy, there you go popping up on my screen as if you can actually read my heart's signal :) Yeay okay, happy balik!! Apa la, pening la asyik nak kena ada je. Kawin jom bb? I'll be your one and only and hopelessly bb, I'll love you endlessly :')

EXCESS BAGGAGE 5KG

I want to get rid of my excess baggage. I don't need them as they don't bring me any good - don't even give me the warmth that I need at the freezing cold office. It's time for you to go, you little gross stuff! Come to think about it, I can do a lot more if I wasn't as "more to loved" as this. Blah, if that even made sense.

I still think that 48 is the magic number. Can I do it? I don't know, but I will try. I hope them pricks won't start opening their mouth. They did, semalam. I wasn't hungry, and they made that face. What's wrong with having dreams? And what's even wronger if I do it instead of just having that talk over and over? Screw you haters, I will accomplish this goal. I'll prove it to you!

If I reach 48, I will treat myself with the gift of a lifetime. I'll get myself a watch without having my imaginary rockstar boyfriend to get one for me! Would be nice having a rockstar boyfriend, nak pape sure dapat. Haha gila sad, and God knows the last time I wore a watch. I was in Bali then, I saw the pictures. I never wore it since. I wonder why...

If I reach my forty-eight, I will:
1. Get my navel pierced.
2. Go on a holiday
3. Get "the M-word" <--- If you're Faiez, please click. No hidden meanings. Hahaha. I wanna have a body as hot as this chick's that I just googled named Elly. She's one hot mama. She's even hotter than my luscious vampiress Tila. But can I? Billy tak bagi give up, nanti dia marah. He wants me to succeed. He dared me. So wish me luck please? I need this done by New Year's Eve.


Note to self:
NO MORE EXCUSES

CANTIK

Beauty is indeed subjective right?

I hate it when people be all like "You sangat cantik, macam Nina!" Omg like, I don't even know whether to take it as a compliment or not. How should I respond to that? Does that mean that I'm cantik second grade? Or cantik tapi Nina-type kinda cantik? I mean why the hell would anyone wanna put Nina as a benchmark? It's not that I'm pissed about. Cuz for one, I don't wanna be "cantik macam Nina". I have my own version of "cantik", and Nina's cantik-ness is not the kind of cantik I prefer. And I certainly don't wanna be pretty like her. I hate pretty. It's just too much effort.

Now I'll provide you with a solution. Instead of going on saying that someone is cantik macam *insert nama adik/kakak here*, I would appreciate it if you just not compliment at all. Some people don't feed on them, and I know I don't. I don't want you to do my boyfriend's job by complimenting me. Break tak makan bro.

Think I'm good for now.

WHEN SECRETS REIGN

Everything is just so perfect the way it is, till one of us starts keeping secrets. Don't you know that secrets can kill? And if I did something, wouldn't you like to know too? What's the point of having a relationship, where only one tells and the other listens without a word? I wanna be able to listen too. I've told you too much, I know. You make me feel like I'm still a total stranger to you. I don't even know you anymore, maybe at all. I do sometimes need to feel secured. I like to know things; things that bother, things that hurt. I don't like being left not knowing the things I should. Open up your heart and tell me. Feed me. Please.

PUNCH HIM PLEASE

The reason why I was so disturbed is because I never thought a total asshole could be a total sweetheart, verbally. I never thought someone so celupar would actually have so many hidden meanings behind those nasty words. As you already know baby, I don't get angry for long. When a new door opens, the anger just shuts in. Yes, I'm like that. That's when forgiveness arrives.

And to be honest, I'm the type who actually forgive and forget. I never want to remember all the bad things that people have done to me, mentally or emotionally. That's why I thought it wouldn't hurt if I talked to him in the first place. When he came up with words so perfectly structured, tipulah if I say that I didn't feel a thing. But that doesn't mean I'm going back into that shithole again, not in a billion years. No, there's never been a glimpse of need for me to do so. And I'm so emotionally stranded in this ecstasy, and I love it so much baby - and it is truly because I have you with me.

And please understand, that even if this hurts you, it hurts me even more watching myself dissolve in ignorance. But I have to be honest - knowing that I'm still appreciated by someone, even if he's a total asshole, I feel so good about myself. And it feels even better rubbing it in his face. Maybe one day you'll realize that those nasty things he said, have really opened up my eyes making me more alert and aware of my impact on someone.

And I'm sorry if this just can't reach your mind baby, maybe this is too deep to understand by the human mind. And I just want you to know that your happiness does matter and whatever happens, watching you happy is what I want to see. And I do miss you, and words alone just can't describe the feeling inside. It's just beyond orgasm whenever I have you around, that actually lasts longer than a year. It's true - if you think I'm a pervert, imagine what your existence has done to me. Hahahahaha oh boy ;)

WHAT IF...

What if one day, you wake up getting a call from someone, only to inform you that I just died in my sleep? To tell you that my soul didn't make it back to my body. What if I leave you alive. What if one day, I'm not here anymore? And what if that day is today?

Will he make me the luckiest bride?

Or will he just leave my side?

CHI ♥ BILLY

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.

I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.

I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, -- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! -- and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

- Elizabeth Barrett-Browning

Happy first anniversary my love, my dearest Muhammad Faiez bin Daud.

MAIN KAYU TIGA MEH?

And today, all the bad things actually fell into place perfectly. I went on a date, which was supposed to actually attract me to dump my current boyfriend. It's not like I don't love him enough, it's just that I don't feel secured being with him since he might lose interest next year. The date was short - not sweet, but also, well, to put it the most frank way, pointless.

He actually asked me how many times have I fought with my boyfriend within a six-month period. Can you fucking believe it? I kinda said four cuz I wasn't sure and he actually had the balls to get my boyfriend's number to confirm that. That's a total bs considering boyfie didn't have any idea of this so-called date. I just couldn't believe this crap so I asked what was in it for me? And you know what he said? "I'll tell you if I feel like you're the one." Okay, that's a total fucking waste of time.

I met my boyfie later that day as usual and he gave me my first love letter. Why wasn't I happy? Cuz I wasn't supposed to be. Two more love letters would get me dumped for good.

And today, we had a fight again! Holy crap...

FEVERISH

Yesterday I played Bingo with my little brothers. It was fun, surprisingly. The Bingo cage was Nina's 21st birthday gift. She's heading to Perth with her boyfriend's family tonight. I wonder how it feels like being so close to a significant other's family members. Must be really nice to have another mummy, daddy, brothers and sisters kan? I used to be close to an ex's mother. She's awesome. I wonder how she is now considering she has a new "daughter" to care for...

Today I fell sick. I think I've overdosed on Panadol tablets and Panadol Cold/Flu caplets. I feel so light and sasau and stoned. I haven't been sick since Raya 2005, and I looked like this then...

I looked really sick kan? :\

I don't know what's gotten into Billy but he's been nothing but oh-so-sweet lately. He talks about things I'd never thought would come out of his mouth before. He says the nicest things and I'm not even complaining. Next week will be our first year together! Yeap, my second one year mark with someone. It feels nice to have someone who could actually stick by me for a longggg time. Thank you for the best one year period of my life bb. You're a gem :)

I miss my bestie! I miss my girls! I miss everyone, seriously! I just feel like going out and lepak till dawn. It's weird being sick and still have the strength to go out and talk till morning. Waaaa apa sudah jadi?!

Oh I dyed my hair. It was supposed to be a surprise for Faiez and boy, was he. Instead of being surprised, I think he was shocked. Hahahaha should've took a video of his reaction. He looked like he was saying "What the heck was she thinking?!" in his mind. Well, a change doesn't kill.

I'm looking forward to see him. I wish there was a better word, a higher level of love when it comes to him. And I wish, that this love will not surpass the love that I have for God.

Apalah harga dunia jika ditimbangkan dengan setitik kasih sayangMu ya Allah. Hilang nikmat dunia bila datang setitis rahmat dariMu ya Allah. Lebur seluruh dunia, tenggelam dalam cintaMu ya Allah. Teguhkanlah ya Allah cinta kami terhadapMu kerana Kaulah satu-satunya cinta hakiki yang mampu memberikan kami satu episod perjalanan yang sentiasa tenang dan damai, mohon izinkan hati kami sentiasa terpaut padaMu ya Allah walau kami sering lalai mengungkapkan rasa kasih cinta abadi padaMu ya Allah.

Tak larat nak type. Stoned gila siut...